As a child of Taiwanese/Chinese immigrants born and raised in the USA, I’ve inherited cultural values that toggle between the blatant American self-aggrandized center-of-the-universe hubris, and the Chinese self-flagellating head-down workhorse mentality.
The former is like, “hey look at me, look at what I just did.” The latter is far more introspective, like, “hey don’t look at me, don’t look at what I just did.” I’ve spent most of my life trying to tiptoe elegantly between. But trying to adapt and conform to both has been…trying and awkward, to say the least.
Still whenever I shout my successes from the roof tops, I immediately want to dive head first into the pavement below. When someone tells me how great my skin looks on any given day, I want to just say thanks. Instead, I respond with “this old thing???” and proceed to rattle off my carefully-crafted skincare regimen. Because there is only remorse after accepting a compliment. The only recourse is to over-apologize or act undeserving of praise.
Humility is an important virtue in Taiwanese/Chinese culture, and not just for fortune cookies. It began in 6th-5th century BCE China, when Confucianism birthed a moral code and political ideology that spread across East Asia. Much of Confucius’ teachings laddered up to modesty. With the right amount of it, human beings could scale back on ego-motivated acts of evil and destruction. Some of his most recounted lessons go like this: “he who speaks without modesty will find it difficult to make his words good.” Real world translation: Don’t brag; people won’t respect you if you do. And “real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s own ignorance.” Real world translation: the truly wise knows we are in fact, actually ignorant. The overarching theme? Your shit DOES stink, so shut up and sit your stinky ass down.
Biblical allegories share an overlapping sentiment of keeping people in line, but through the fear of an omnipotent god instead. Next to this god, we are sinning scum. So we spend our lifetime toiling away for forgiveness. If we do enough of the right thing, including proselytizing and converting other sinners, this god will give us a free pass to their kingdom.
Confucius’ approach skips the divine intervention. Confucius wanted us to tap into our inner humanity out of civic duty, rather than for the promise of ascending to a heaven after death. It’s real-time guilt not pearly-gates FOMO. Because we are humans capable of being better humans to each other. And the only reward for this is…becoming better humans? Reap what we sow. There is no magic. Pure. Labor.
This has shaped how a whole continent of people behave. And with these people as my ancestors, I grew up under a Confucius-inspired watch at home. Good behavior needed no praise. For example my mom has always taught me to just work hard, and not to make a fuss at work. Yet the American workplace rewards what my mom considered fussiness. Touting achievements, demonstrating bravado during meetings, asking for time off — it’s not fussy, it’s called “leaning in.” Can you imagine how confused I was? Watching my “immodest” peers move up the ranks, while I quietly scolded myself for being an underachiever every night, leaving the office at 9pm.
The USA is drunk on its contradictory cocktail of outdated puritanical beliefs and unfettered colonist-informed capitalism. Everyone wants to land-grab their way into the heavenly kingdom. Meanwhile, me and my traditional Confucianist rearing — no wonder I didn’t get promoted for five years. It wasn’t until I waltzed into my boss’ office like a baddie with a list of my accomplishments, did I see a pay bump and a title change. Ugh. I still feel gross remembering how much I had to brag about myself that day.
In a traditional Taiwanese/Chinese household, “good job” is not the norm. Coming home with straight A’s was me living up to my potential. It was my duty and an act of filial piety. (Can’t disgrace the farmers from whom I descend, you know?) Yet I watched my white friends’ parents congratulate them for tying their shoes. And while I’ve seen how celebrating everyday tasks as achievements breeds entitlement, it’s also perceived as self-confidence when transposed into the American work environment. My therapist tells me all the time I don’t celebrate myself enough. And my first thought is always, am I allowed to? Who would that serve? Why? Oh yea, Confucianism has buried itself deep in my psyche.
Like I said, it’s been a trying experience navigating American individualism with the weight of my inherited Taiwanese/Chinese collectivist values. I’ve gone from pencil pusher during an economic recession to small business owner in my thirties, so I’ve HAD to learn how to market and sell myself as one-of-a-kind and employable. Writing a bio still makes me cringe but I’ve gotten better at acknowledging my hard work without feeling like an immodest braggart. Ironically social media has helped create a shield between me and my own self judgement. And it also becomes perennial hunting grounds for everyone else’s judgements. Hustler mentality meets humble bragging but really, it’s all just thug life. Survival of the fittest, but make sure everyone knows how fit you are.
As a first generation Taiwanese/Chinese-American, I will always exist between the binary of feeling unworthy and feeling special. But I’ve learned to cultivate my own approach to the Confucianist values that I think serve a greater purpose. Salvation on earth, not after. Salvation for everyone. And when married with that hint of American self-proclaimed excellence? I AM NOT special. But. I am worthy.
And no matter how much we Americans tell ourselves we are the center of the universe, our humility is what will stop us from imploding. It’s cool that we’re all about empowering ourselves to succeed (for ourselves). Or for whatever god or whatever material/monetary gain. But, Confucius was right about this: “These are the four abuses: desire to succeed in order to make oneself famous; taking credit for the labors of others; refusal to correct one's errors despite advice; refusal to change one's ideas despite warnings.” Keep the self-love, abandon the reckless entitlement. And maybe we’ll have a chance.
Excelent reflection on the duality of Cultural Expectations. Being the son of a New York Bred Jewish divorced mother who grew up in the Fresa World of Mexico City, I always felt the weight of expectations from my mom's side especially since she was an academic and the only thing that mattered was a college degree. Though I became fairly successful in the restaurant business, I have always felt a shame and an emptiness because I never met those expectations. My wife is Haka Chinese and is always amazed how my Mexican / Jewish side always needs that praise, that for her is unecessary and undeserved. You put this conflict in words very clearly. Time to give myslef permission to not work 60 hours a week and not feel like 'm being lazy....